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When you think about the important elements that would provide a foundation for a successful life, physical health and fitness is pretty close to the top. As moms we have the crazy privilege of sacrificing regular fitness for the joy of bringing children into the world. And then we sacrifice sleep for taking care of babies, and basic mental and physical self-care for the constant demands of young children. Part of this is a season, and part of it needs to be lessened by support from others and readjustment of expectations and priorities.

As moms we need to each find the right balance of maternal sacrifice and personal self-care. This looks different for each of us, but it should shift consistently as our children get older.

For me, I can see the light at the end of the tunnel as far as the season of babies, toddlers, high chairs, and diapers. As I look ahead to the next season and consider what is important to my family, I realize it is time for me to make weight loss a priority, or it will hinder me and my family going forward.

I’ve dieted and lost my baby weight twice before, but that doesn’t make it easy. As a researcher and book enthusiast, I’ve read quite a few books in the past few years. While I found several of them helpful, and followed several different diets to keep it interesting, my favorite author looking back now is Michael Pollan. And his approach is really not a diet. He organized his book In Defense of Food around three simple phrases: Eat (real) food. Not too much. Mostly Plants.

I’m using those three phrases as my guidelines and inspirations for my final baby weight-loss journey which currently means losing about 27 lbs. My focus will be on getting better at eating and cooking plants, both for weight loss and also for long term health. I’ll be chronicling my progress and my recipe successes and failures here.

Getting out the door with kids in tow can be the most stressful part of the day for many families. And the younger the children are, the more difficult it can be to go anywhere, not because they don’t want to but because transitions are difficult for them and because it often becomes a power struggle when it doesn’t need to. We have an outside schedule we need our children to fit into, and we can easily slip into bad habits that just make it harder to leave the house.

In a nutshell, the key to getting out of the house with young children is to encourage them children to think. Instead of telling them what to do, ask them questions and make observations.

#1 – Start by presenting the goal as a fact

Example: “We are leaving the house soon to go pick up your brother.”

If your child is not excited about the destination and won’t be internally motivated to leave when it’s time, establish the point in time at which you will stop and get ready to leave by setting a timer, and letting them know that you set it and that when it rings it will be time to go.

Pay attention to when it will ring and prepare yourself mentally to resist your instincts to tell them what to do.

#2 –  Ask them questions and make observations.

Instead of telling them what to do, start asking questions and give your child room to think.

Don’t say: “There’s the timer. It’s time to go. Put on your shoes. Here’s your jacket.”

Ask: “What does the timer mean?” When they answer something like it’s time to leave, ask them “What should we do next?” If they say put on their shoes, affirm them and then ask them where their shoes are “That’s right, can you find them?”

If they say they don’t know (what to do next), ask them a question they can answer easily. Sometimes I will pick up something they need to take and say “Do you need this?” They almost always smile and say yes and take it. It’s an easy victory, and the confidence builds as they make a string of decisions that leads to the goal of getting in the car and leaving the house.

You can also provide information and make observations such as, “Oh, it’s cold, I’m going to wear my jacket.” When I say that, my boys will each jump up and go to get theirs too. (Except for the one that likes to be different, then it will depend on his mood!)

#3 – If they have an outburst, instead of objecting, validate their feelings first.

The easiest way to do this is to repeat back to them what they told you but not word for word. If your child is disappointed or having trouble stopping, say something understanding “Oh, you’re having fun with your cars and you don’t want to stop” and then ask them a question “What should we do?” I have frequently been surprised at the answers I’ve gotten to this question since I started asking it. My boys will often think of a good, perfectly acceptable solution, such as bringing one toy in the car or playing with them when we return home. If their solution is not an option, such as bringing legos in the car, a good approach is to state a fact. For younger children it helps to encourage them in their effort to solve the problem. “Oh, legos don’t leave the house. But that was a good idea, what else could we do?”

This honors their ability to contribute meaningfully, to solve problems, and to feel some ownership in what they do.

When they are leaving an activity they enjoy such as playing with toys, and going to do something less interesting, such as sitting in the car to do errands – this honors them as an individual who has their own opinions and preferences.

#4 – Adjust your strategy based on their age and temperament

For older children it works well to make observations. Just this morning I was backing out of the driveway and I looked in the rearview mirror and saw my 5 year old son sideways in the back seat of the van, with his feet up in the air enough for me to see them. Instead of saying “Why aren’t you sitting right?” or “Sit on your bottom!” I made an observation, I said “I can see your feet in this mirror.” Then I followed it up with “I shouldn’t see your feet, I should see your face!” Both of my boys laughed and my son righted himself and sat down correctly.

For younger children it works well to give them opportunities to help, such as carrying something out the door for you. Another useful strategy is to provide two choices, both of which are acceptable to you. “Do you want to bring your car or your bear?” “Do you want to wear your coat or carry it?” Both choices accomplishes getting them in the car, and for example bringing the jacket along.

It also really helps to know each of your children’s tendencies and gifting. The same approaches won’t work best with each child and that’s okay. This becomes more apparent as you have more children and you see how they respond differently to the same situation or to the same things that you say.

Bringing it all together

The key here is to treat your children with respect, and expect them to be intelligent and creative, and willing and able to help solve problems that involve them.

Sometimes we need to be gracious and patient, and allow our children to be children. And other times we need to raise our expectations and give our children a chance to surprise us and rise to the occasion.

References
For more on this topic, and lots of real-life examples, check out How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk, by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish, especially chapter 4: “Encouraging Autonomy”. (This is an affiliate link, learn more here)

One of my goals is to make room in life regularly for adventure, because it is a core value for our family. We often do this by going camping and we typically wait for warm weather and camp in tents.

success: the accomplishment of an aim or purpose
adventure: an unusual and exciting, typically hazardous, experience or activity

In order to get in an additional trip, and start the season earlier, I decided to try getting a cabin. So this weekend my husband and I took our 4 boys, all under age 7 and stayed at a KOA cabin near Charlottesville for two nights. The forecast said a passing shower on Friday.

We explored the city on Saturday, and walked down Charlotteville’s historic pedestrian mall, and then found a delightful city park with a rocky shallow river that the boys could walk in. (But only our most adventurous two got in because the water was freezing.)

The trip held some less than ideal surprises. It rained twice. One child fell out of a bunk bed. Another threw up on a bunkbed. (They’re both fine.) But our boys loved the cabin and enjoyed the nearby playground and the short nature trail that looped around the campground.

The only real disappointment for me was that our Saturday evening campfire got rained out and by the time the rain stopped we were too snuggled into the cabin, playing video games and watching March Madness to go back outside, except for a few minutes to admire the bright stars that showed up once the clouds disappeared.

Our typical goal for camping is to be in a tent, and have a weekend full of campfires, hiking, no screens and no shopping, but it rained Sat night on our fire and we watched basketball instead, the boys played games on their tablets quite a bit, and we went shopping twice for necessary or forgotten items.

So how do I judge the success of the weekend?

It was a complete success, because we got out of our normal routine – we looked for adventure and found it. While I would have liked more sleep and less rain, what is important is that we went, we made some great memories, and we’re living out our values as a family.  We are writing our story, being persistent in seeking out adventure, and finding ways to be outside, even with young children, in the offseason, and on a budget.

It’s important how we frame our goals, and our values, and to keep things in perspective. I wasn’t expecting a relaxing vacation. I was working hard to facilitate an adventurous weekend for my family, and we had one.

Note: A positive side effect was that while I came back a bit physically exhausted and sore, I also came back mentally refreshed. I’m almost as excited about that as I am about planning the next trip and reminiscing with my boys, “remember that time we…”.

Add beauty to your life. Really.

Look around you and find sources of beauty; think about what is beautiful to you. Look for ways to add beauty into your daily and weekly routines.

In a house with five guys I try to be respectful of their preferences – no pink walls or purple bedspreads.

So I have purple towels, pretty dresses, a purple glass flower on my desk, and big ceramic flowers on my office wall. My master bathroom wall is a beautiful blue that highlights a framed photo of the ocean that hangs next to the mirror.

I use pretty and fun mugs to drink my tea – even though my husband bought me a wonderful green stainless steel mug that keeps it the perfect temperature. I used it exclusively for awhile, but I missed my happy polka dots and pictures of my kids on my favorite ceramic mugs. So when I’m drinking tea because I need a moment for myself, I pull out a mug that is beautiful to me, and if I get interrupted by kids and it gets cold, I put it in the microwave and heat it back up!

The message beauty gives us is that all will be well. Beauty invites, nourishes, comforts, and inspires. Something in it is transcendent.

Our souls are nourished by beauty. As women we offer beauty to the world and we need to receive beauty from the world.

Beauty matters.

So when the flowers come out this month take a walk and enjoy them. Wear clothes that make you feel pretty.

When you do spring cleaning, keep items that are functional, but also keep a few things just because you find them beautiful.

Don’t be apologetic about valuing beauty. Beauty matters. You matter.

If you’re working on identifying your personal or family’s core values, I would propose that beauty is one we all have in common as women. But that will look differently for each of us, and that uniqueness is beautiful too.

For me writing is beauty and therapy. Just writing this post lifted my spirits. I hope reading it does as much for you.

For more about women and beauty, I highly recommend the book Captivating: Unveiling the Mystery of a Woman’s Soul by John and Stasi Eldredge. This is an affiliate link. Learn more here.

As mothers our stress can escalate quickly and cause our energy, and self-control, to plummet.

I haven’t yelled at my children for years (and if my mother-in-law is reading this, the whole situation is completely hypothetical!). I attribute that largely to everything I’ve learned about the fact that life is really a mental game, and you need strategies to maintain your mind, your soul, and your body long term. But sometimes the first step is to just make it through the day.

One of my friends requested practical tips, so I thought I’d take a post to talk about how-to-make-it-past-breakfast.

Here are 4 steps to never losing your cool again with those you care most about.

As moms we often talk about being in ‘survival-mode’. But the key here is to keep yourself from actually being in survival-mode by addressing your basic physical and emotional needs.

Basic physical needs include air, water, real food, strength and physical motion. Emotional needs for us as women include connecting with others, beauty and joy. Combining elements in pairs makes this exercise more powerful and effective.

1. Breathe. Stand up straight. Take a deep breath and let it out slowly. Now stand up straight, engage your muscles and bring them into a position of good posture. Don’t overstretch or put strain on them. Roll your shoulders back slowly until you feel taller, but without feeling tension in your collarbones. Take a deep breath and let it out slowly. When you breathe in, let it lift your shoulders gently. Tilt your hips forward slightly. Don’t lock your knees. Take a few more deep breaths. Think about being confident and strong. Remind yourself that God gave you the wisdom you need to mother your children.

Quick version: Stand up, pace in a small circle if you’re feeling anxious or stressed, and take several deep breaths. When my 5 yr old gets worked up and I tell him to breathe, he does. And if I don’t have complete composure myself, I stop and take a couple of deep breaths with him, before we continue dealing with the situation.

2. Drink water. Use your favorite cup. Take a few seconds to find your favorite cup, mug, or water bottle – one that makes you smile, wash it if you need to. Slowly drink 8-16 oz of water. Think about a few things that are beautiful to you.

Quick version: find the closest clean cup, fill it with 8 oz and gulp it down. If necessary, offer your children water too. Make them find their own cup and bring it to you. While they do, take a deep breath.

3. Eat. Connect with a friend. Find the healthiest thing you can eat that is available quickly, even if you’re on a ‘diet’ and it breaks one of your rules. Eat it slowly while you text or call a friend and tell them that you appreciate them – or that you can’t believe x y z just happened. Your brain needs food. Your soul needs friendship and to feel connected to others.

Quick version: eat the leftovers your kids left on the table and think about one friend or family member you are thankful for. Make a decision to contact them by the end of the day.

4. Move. Choose a small goal. Do something to get your blood moving. If you can turn on music, turn on your favorite feel-good song. Pick up your youngest child and dance around the room holding them. Or alternate running and walking up and down the stairs. As you finish, think about one thing that you want to accomplish by the end of the day, that is realistic. Write it on a sticky note and stick it on the fridge. “I will do x today.”

Quick version: Do five jumping jacks, take a few deep breaths. Repeat twice. Decide what has to happen by the end of the day and say out loud to yourself that you are going to do it.

Try doing all of these in a row without stopping. If your kids won’t leave you alone, tell them you need a mommy time out for 5 minutes, set a timer. If your youngest needs you, try doing all the quick versions while holding them. If you have no time, and you’re in-crisis, do the first two, deal with the situation and then do the last two.

When you’re done, give yourself a few moments to sit and be. If your stress was caused by a child-emergency, make sure it’s been addressed first. Now ask yourself if you’re still upset about anything. Pretend your best friend or your spouse is there to ask you what’s really bothering you. Write down your thoughts – in your phone, on scrap paper – whatever you think of that might be the deeper root of your emotions and stress, and promise yourself you will address it in some way by the end of the day.

Always remember that our children are children, and we are the adults. Your child will never do anything that justifies yelling at them. When we let them be the “last straw” or overreact to them because of some other issue in our lives, we don’t let them be children, and we hinder our roles as the moms we intend and desire to be, and that God gave to them.

Pick your battles! Before you take it out on your children, break your diet rule, be late to a meeting, ruin your shirt, let the baby cry, risk burning dinner.  When the perfect storm happens and something has to give, don’t make them pay the price. Keep life in perspective.

When your tank is empty, and all hell breaks loose, stop and breathe, and thank God for the privilege of raising happy, healthy children, and teaching them everything – including how to keep your cool.